


Am I Weak?

by Yallsehood



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Cuddles, Cutting, Gay, Happy Ending, Insecurity, Kisses, M/M, Memories, Prinxiety - Freeform, Prinxiety Fluff, Prinxiety angst, Sanders Sides angst, Self Harm, Virgil Angst, Virgil is sad, flashbacks are in italics, late night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:47:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24483016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yallsehood/pseuds/Yallsehood
Summary: Roman’s word’s had kept ringing in Virgil’s head as of late. When he was reckless and unable to sleep, he would remember Roman’s words. Whatever it was, it was just echoing in his mind as if his head were hollow.Why did the prince call him strong?(TW: there are mentions of self harm in this fic)Flashbacks are in italics
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders
Comments: 6
Kudos: 114





	Am I Weak?

_ “You are more than what they say you are, Virgil. You deserve so much better. You’re stronger than they are.” _

Roman’s word’s had kept ringing in Virgil’s head as of late. When he was reckless and unable to sleep, he would remember Roman’s words. Whatever it was, it was just echoing in his mind as if his head were hollow.

Why did the prince call him strong? The anxious side felt anything but strong. Right now he felt like he was at one of his weakest points. He didn’t even feel like he could open his eyes to face the reality of what his thoughts wanted him to do. He had done it before… but then why was he strong? Why could he ever be referred to as strong?

_ “I said I was one of them… he couldn’t like me anymore.” _

_ “Virgil - it’s different than that. It’s going to be okay.” _

_ “You can’t just say that!” _

_ “I can because he’s Thomas. The glorious Thomas we all take care of as a team… and you’re always part of that team. Don’t you remember my awesome speech?” _

_ “Yeah, Roman… But-” _

_ “No more of that, my dear. Take a deep breath, and give it time. If you are not accepted, I will do my best to defend you.” _

_ “I can fight for myself..” _

The memory almost made Virgil laugh, but he couldn’t laugh in times like these. He could fight for himself. Sure, he’d been in a fight before. He had never fought a dragon witch before like Roman had though. Did that mean Roman was the better fighter? Well, to Virgil it meant Roman was stronger. His beloved never had to fight the battles he had to fight because Roman’s mind was just as strong as his body. 

Sadly, the emo couldn’t claim the same for himself. Without opening his eyes, he sat up. His body was aching with exhaustion. Virgil decided he couldn’t leave the bed just yet. Just needed another moment to process.

_ “One day you could be rid of us all” _

The hissing of Deceit’s voice rang in his ears; Virgil’s feet immediately met the floor. He opened his eyes so he would not have to picture the man’s face. Why was the snake so cruel to him? Virgil, in all honesty, knew why. He just wanted to pretend he didn’t. He wanted to burn the bridges and cut out the past.

Slowly, Virgil got up and walked to the bathroom that was connected to his room. He supposed that was the bonus to living in this part of the mind palace: everyone had their own private bathroom. There was something very relaxing about it. The anxious side quite enjoyed the privacy, but he still locked the door behind him just in case. Well, he usually did anyway. 

Virgil’s bathroom matched the theme of his dark and dreary room. Black, and purple. The room was usually lit by candles, but Virgil was actively searching for something. He turned on the actual light which hadn’t been used in ages. The light bulb had flickered before actually turning on. 

_ “You need to get that changed. You’ll end up getting hurt, babe.” _

_ “I appreciate the concern, but I don’t think that’s what’s hurting me.” _

Just searching for the object reminded Virgil of the first time Roman had actively caught him hurting himself. The thought of Roman looking into his eyes just to tell him things were alright? That no one could hurt him… 

There was an overwhelming feeling in the anxious side’s chest. How could Roman’s words ever be true? As long as Virgil had these thoughts, these fears, there would always be someone there to hurt him. It would just be himself.

_ “... Virgil, you’re safe here. Even if you couldn’t protect yourself, I-” _

_ “I can protect myself from the others!” _

Even if what Virgil had said in the past to Roman were true, who would ever teach him to protect him from himself? Try as he could, Virgil sometimes falls weak to his own brain. It was as if his own thoughts were predator, and his arms became prey in these moments of fear. Why couldn’t he just keep his thoughts organized? Why was he the only one who ever seemed to feel like this? 

Eventually, Virgil had found what he was looking for. He was hoping after he got this over with that he would be able to sleep soundly for the night. Still, as he grabbed the piece of metal, he knew that this had to stop being routine. He knew he would likely never be able to sleep soundly as long as his mind stirred like this.

As the object was pressed to his right forearm, he could hear all of Roman’s words of warning ring in his head once again. Was he letting the prince down? No… he couldn’t do that, could he? Well, it was too late anyhow. It was like all the progress he had made since the last time was now completely lost. Virgil didn’t feel anything but weak now. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever feel anything else. 

The next morning, Virgil found himself in bed. He silently wondered if the night before was a dream. He knew he was only feeling delirious since he had not slept at all. There was pressure he could feel in his head.

Suddenly, he heard footsteps. The man just pulled his purple blanket over his head. He just wanted to be alone.

The side that was the door was the anxious one’s boyfriend: Roman. The prince of creativity was a bit concerned when he didn’t see Virgil at breakfast. Patton usually made sure everyone attended a breakfast together on Saturday mornings. It was just a nice way to start the weekend. At least, Patton sure thought so. It usually ended up with Logan and Roman arguing. Sometimes Deceit would show up, and Virgil would unhappily hiss. Honestly, Roman was beginning to think they were a bad idea. They’d been better lately.

Anyhow, Roman had missed his beloved emo nightmare. He walked into the room. He did see the lump on the bed though. A nearly silent sigh fell from the prince’s peachy lips. “My darling… mi amor, are you feeling alright? Sick?” His voice was gentle. It was as if he was fearful to speak too loud. He didn’t want to break Virgil. 

Slowly, Virgil’s head peaked out of the blanket. When his eyes met Roman’s gorgeous chocolate brown ones, he felt his stomach knot. How could he break his promise to him? It honestly made Virgil feel ill. “No.” He muttered. 

“You’re not alright? Or no to being sick?”

“Not sick. Not okay.” Virgil replied. He didn’t have the heart to lie to Roman, and he never would. He knew that was the snake man’s trick. Roman deserves better than that. “I um…”

Roman was patient, but realized Virgil wasn’t able to find his words. He remained patient for him to speak. He wanted to give Virgil a chance to talk. Roman sighed as he adjusted his pajama shirt. “Virgil, can I sit?”

The anxious one nodded to the other. He didn’t mind having Roman come closer in his times of need. Virgil had rules for when he was anxious, but Roman was often the exception to these rules. For example, he didn’t mind Roman holding him when he was anxious; sometimes he did ask Roman not to touch him though. Overall, he was glad Roman had asked beforehand. Anyhow, he slowly sat up and leaned against the headboard of his bed.

The princely side took note of how pale Virgil seemed to be, and that his eyes seemed a bit shot. The extra tremors in Virgil’s hands gave it away that he hadn’t slept. Slowly, Roman extended his hand to take one of Virgil’s. He felt a bit better when Virgil took it. “Talk, or just cuddle?”

Fear sprinted through Virgil’s veins as he heard Roman’s inquiry. What if that was the last question he was ever asked by the man he had fallen in love with? “Cuddle.” He had to answer. If what he had done was going to hurt Roman, he had to just cherish a few more minutes with him. 

After all, Roman’s arms was his favorite place to be. 

Knowing this, Roman laid down besides Virgil, and opened up his arms so he could embrace the emo man. The emo all but fell into his arms as a response. He gave into his trembling, and he allowed Roman to hold him. 

Slowly, Roman grew to be more and more concerned. He hadn’t seen Virgil shake like this in a long time. He wasn’t going to push him to talk though. That might have led to Roman needing to bite his tongue, but he’d bite it as long as Virgil felt comfortable; however, his worry did increase when he turned around. Roman curled up to spoon his love.

It took a moment, but Virgil held Roman’s hands as he was being spooned. Slowly, he let his eyelids drop. The images of last night slowly began to race in front of his vision. Slowly, the walls of his throat felt like sandpaper, and his lungs were being deprived of oxygen. He gently squeezed Roman’s hand more than once to tell him to let go for a moment.

Unraveling his arms for Virgil’s sake, Roman gave the man his space. He almost got off the bed, but Virgil gently reached for his right hand without looking at him. The way he had reached back to his boyfriend allowed the sleeve of his hoodie to fall down to his elbow. That was when Roman saw what Virgil had done the night before. The freshness of the streaks, and the irritation of Virgil’s skin was a dead giveaway. It had nearly shattered Roman’s heart, but that didn’t discourage him from offering Virgil comfort. “Sweetheart… are you okay?” He asked. Roman was trying not to phrase this wrong.

As a simple response, Virgil shook his head. He didn’t know how to respond for a moment. Silently he was wondering how and why Roman responded so calmly. It was somewhat scary, but he knew that Roman just cared for him. Virgil wasn’t sure why anyone would ever care for him, but he was glad Roman did. He swallowed, and he was hoping his growing tears would fade. Hadn’t he done enough crying last night after he recalled the nasty words the snake had hissed at him in the past? He sighed softly as he tried to calm down. 

When Virgil didn’t answer, Roman continued to worry. His thoughts were spiraling and worsening. Slowly, his lips met Virgil’s pale hand. It was soft, but he noted Virgil didn’t look away. He even saw Virgil come out of hiding a little bit. After that, Roman decided it was best to keep going. He kissed down Virgil’s arm. He was careful of the scars, but his lips eventually reached Virgil’s neck and noticed he sat up. “Princess..” he spoke gently. “What’s going on in that pretty head of yours?” Gingerly, the prince pressed a kiss to Virgil’s forehead. 

In a way, Roman’s voice was very soothing to Virgil. He was hoping that he continued to speak this softly to him. “You’re not upset?” He started, looking at the other.

Looking into his lover’s eyes, Roman shook his head. “If you mean angry? No, mi amor, I am not angry with you. This is a habit you have, and I understand you work hard to break it.”

“I didn't try hard enough!”

“Virgil-”

“I can do better! You’ve seen me do better! Why can’t I just stay clean?!”

“Hey, hey, hey. It’s alright.” Roman spoke, trying to stay calm as he heard the sheer panic in Virgil’s voice. “It’s hard for you, Virgil. I know it is, and I’m not going to tell it’s okay you’re doing this. It’s not.”

“I know!”

“Shh, Virgil…”

“Sorry.”

Roman wrapped an arm around Virgil. He gently offered his hand so he could look at the damage the anxious side had done to himself. “It’s not okay. I can’t deny it, babe; that does not mean I am going to ignore it. I won’t scream or shout since that gets us nowhere. Just… Virgil? Why didn’t you tell me right away?”

That was an excellent question. Why hadn’t he told Roman? He knew he could go to Roman even if he just dealt with an intrusive thought about cutting. He needed to be more open to talking to the prince about these things. Honestly, Virgil even felt a bit foolish. He always seemed to overcomplicate things. 

“I’m so sorry.” He whispered to Roman. That was always how things started when he spoke after hurting himself. “I meant to tell you, heard some hissing in my head. The words of… well, you know who.”

“I do.” Roman rolled his eyes a bit. Everyone knew the prince wasn’t on good terms with the snake at the present. “His words mean nothing, Virgil. You were the one who told me that.”

He shrugged and swallowed. He was trying not to let himself cry. Virgil didn’t want any more tears than necessary; however, he cried less than the average person. It was difficult for him to stop once he had started. “Sure… yeah. It’s just hard, I guess. With my past, ya know? I mean, what even makes me good enough to belong. ‘Cause I don’t belong, Roman. Not really… not anywhere.”

Those words had broken the prince’s heart. How could Virgil  _ not  _ belong with him, Patton, and Logan? All of them had light and dark qualities. They were the CoreFour! The group seemed to be so solid to Roman. “You deserve to be here more than anyone else.” He said. “You are safe with us, and we all love you so much. We have our quarrels, but… everything is alright, my dark prince.”

“I don’t feel like it….” Virgil sighed. He leaned into Roman, and he watched as his boyfriend summoned up a first aid kit. He kissed his cheek gently before cuddling close and closing his eyes. 

Gingerly, Roman ran his fingers through Virgil’s hair. He slowly began to tend to his boyfriend. He felt so bad things like this could come to pass without his knowing. Of course, he wasn’t going to push Virgil into telling him. He just hoped that someday he would. 

As he was bandaging his arms, Roman looked over Virgil’s face. He knew he wasn’t looking at him, but Roman would still speak. “These scars do not make you any less of a person, Virgil. They don’t make you-” 

“Roman…”

“Please, allow me to finish.” Roman gave a soft plea. He always gave Virgil a speech after these things had happened. “You are not less of a person. You never were and never have been a monster. You are so beautiful, Virgil; inside and out you are beautiful. You don’t like the word beautiful? Fine. Handsome, gorgeous, stunning even! You will always be these things. If not to yourself, at least to me Virgil…. at least to me.” He paused, trying not to get himself choked up over seeing Virgil this way. 

Something in Roman just felt so overwhelmed whenever Virgil was in pain. He knew the anxious side’s back story, so he easily thought that Virgil needed to deal with less pain than what he was given. He didn’t need to see him suffer. Roman was sure Virgil had despised the pain as well. Wasn’t that part of the reason why he did it?

Anyhow, Roman decided to continue, “Virgil, my love, things are going to be okay. You will fight through these bad times, and I’m going to be there for you through it all. I know your thoughts wound you more than cutting ever could… and if I can ease your pain even slightly? I will not hesitate to do so. I will always be here for you… I promise.”

As broken as Virgil felt, he knew Roman hadn’t made an empty promise to him. He looked up at him for a moment. He gave a nod. “Thank you, princey.” He mumbled.

Roman didn’t even have to hear anything else from Virgil. He knew he had been heard, and knew Virgil loved him. He placed a gentle kiss on Virgil’s cheek. Roman didn’t say anything else for the time being. 

For now, Virgil relished in the silence. The only sound he needed to heart was the sound of Roman’s heartbeat. Virgil leaned his head against the creative side’s chest. He closed his eyes. This was all he needed right now to be able to relax. Virgil knew Roman would always be there for him, and his kind words had someone mended his wounded heart - or rather his wounded brain. Anyhow, he found comfort in the kind words, and warming cuddles. Perhaps next time he would be able to go to Roman before he took action. Well… hopefully there would not be a next time.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! Thank you for reading this fic. I hope you liked it.
> 
> I just wanted to say I do not condone the actions of my characters. If you are hurting, seek out help. There is always a way out of bad situations. Stay safe everyone.


End file.
